I know it’s been a while since we’ve actually talked and that we also had a period where we weren’t talking to each other. At that time, I was in an entirely different head space. Although we text each other here and there I still feel that there’s a wall built between us. I’ve been going through some very good changes and during this process I’ve realized the things that I’ve done and how much I hurt you. It took a lot of digging to get to the root problem, to process it, accept it, and move on. Let me explain…
I didn’t have a close relationship with my family growing up. My parents were working all the time. There are big age gaps between my brother’s, sister’s, and I except for our little sister who is two years younger than me. When I was younger I did what any other kid would do who lacked love and attention I looked for it somewhere else.
And I looked for it in all the wrong places…
I tried to fulfill my needs with friends who took my kindness for weakness, used me, betrayed me, and deceived me. I wanted to be a part of something so bad that I tried to join a gang, I used drugs (later on sold it), and did a lot of other things just to fit in. It was the environment I put myself in. I would go lengths for those around me and when they got what they needed they were either gone or just kept me around solely for that purpose. They didn’t have to put in much effort. This became normal for me.
I had ex-girlfriend’s who did the same. I’d show up as soon as they called and would go out of my way to ensure their happiness. I chose females who weren’t sure about their sexuality, who were scared and in denial, or who were just exploring. In doing so, they ended up cheating on me. There were also those who wanted the benefits of a relationship without having the title. This only made me try harder thinking that it would change their minds into officially becoming a couple. Nope. They took advantage of all of my efforts and when it came down to it it was always “but we’re not together”, “I don’t know what I want”, or “you know I’m scared to be with girls”.
From a teenager until recently, one of the main ways I dealt with this and among other things was isolation. It was the simplest course of action to avoid all the hurt, embarrassments, disappointments, and frustrations. After high school, I pushed myself away from the friends I had. The lifestyle I was living at the time didn’t help either. I also told myself that I was through with females and that I would date guys. I ended up joining the military and the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy was in effect so it gave me more motivation to do that. I changed the way I dressed and went from there. I was torn from all the experiences I had, at that time, and instead of learning from it I carried the baggage for years and believed that no one loved me.
In the beginning, isolation felt like the best solution but then I began to feel lonely and bitter. I still encountered similar situations because I only knew how to have unhealthy relationships. I separated myself even more blaming everyone else for feeling miserable and abandoned. I wouldn’t let anyone go pass the barrier I created to protect myself, even those who wanted to help. No matter how good of a person they were my distance was set. I wasn’t hurt anymore I was angrier than I ever was and I acted and lived in a negative way for many years. I believed that there was nothing wrong with the negative energy I put out and the way I treated people especially when I was on drugs or drunk. I had every right to feel the way that I did and do the things that I did because they were done to me. This definitely affected the friendships and relationships that I had and the ones that I could’ve built.
The way I reacted only magnified the negative views that I had on every situation I faced. In the last year and a half, I realized that I’m not an island. The love and support that I wished for was always there but I refused to see it. In a positive light, my parents had to work to make sure they provided for us, my brother’s and sister’s had their own lives, and certain people were brought into my life to teach me a lesson. Life lessons that taught me to be wiser and to be more selective of my environment. I’ve completely removed the unhealthy relationships out of my life and have brought down the barrier to build healthier ones. I’m closer to my family than I’ve ever been and the bond that we’re creating will only get stronger.
I’ve also learned who I hurt along the way. You were a great friend who tried to give me what I longed for, love and support, and no matter what my goals were you were always 100% behind me without any hesitation. You did your best to motivate me, shed positive light into my life, and truly loved and cared for me. I was so blinded by my anger that I failed to recognize all of it. I projected the pain from my past experiences onto you. No one deserves to be treated that way and I was out of line. I know now why I pushed you away.
Please forgive me.
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